I called my mum a witch and I liked it

Since childhood, I've always gravitated to writing. At 9, I was so smitten by my baby sister, I wrote her a poem. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been drawn to good storytelling. I even started out my career in communications (only because journalism couldn't pay the bills).

At 8, I remember spending one fine afternoon with a notebook and a pencil just venting my frustration and anger about my mom. I wrote about how much I hated her for not letting me do the things that I wanted and how she was fiercer than a tiger. I ended my rant by calling her a nasty old witch. It was a few pages long, not bad for an 8 year old.

Interestingly, I had figured out a way of processing those big emotions by putting them on paper. I found comfort in it. But it was short lived. My mom had other ideas, she noticed me writing furiously in that notebook and wanted to know what I had written. So I locked myself in the bathroom with notebook and eraser.

It didn't work. My mom got hold of the notebook and made out what I had written. I must have been angry enough to leave indents that couldn't be rubbed away. To put it mildly, she wasn’t happy about it. (disclaimer: I love my mom and don’t fault her for any of this).

As a parent reflecting on this today, I realise the importance of providing psychological safety to kids. This means creating an environment that is unconditionally loving and safe where our kids can explore / express their feelings and make mistakes without the fear of being judged or punished.

It means letting them go through the motions with the assurance that their boundaries and privacy will not only be respected, but defended and protected by their parents.

And providing psychological safety begins with emotional regulation, not from the kids, but from the parents.

This is largely a reminder to self: It means controlling our anger / frustration / temper and choosing to respond with patience, kindness, and empathy. It means not projecting our own insecurities and worries that we carry around from our childhood onto theirs. It means regulating our tendencies to over control or overreact.

This is a process in and of itself. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. The feeling of guilt when my son withdraws after I snap at him or dismiss him really sucks.

Funnily enough, journaling is helping me become a more mindful parent. Richard Feynman (the OG “explain it to me like I'm 5” guy) sums it up well with something along the lines of “the only way to understand is to try to explain”. Writing to understand helps to clarify thoughts and rethink assumptions.

As I had discovered at 8, journaling can be a powerful tool that can help kids examine thoughts / ideas, process emotions, and cultivate reflection, especially in a world where attention spans are getting juiced by algos and short form video (god knows what's next). Oh, and here's the "poem" I wrote to my sister when I was 9.

I'm cringing so hard right now. Turns out she was adopted.