Jedi tough love

In a Star Wars: The Acolyte episode, Master Indara (Trinity!) drops some shade on Sol after he patiently explained the importance of the work they were doing to her whiny padawan.

They were stuck on a mysterious planet collecting plant and earth samples. Sol explained the significance of the work they were doing, i.e investigating a vergence in the force, which is the same type of force concentration that conceived Darth Vader.

As a compensatory mechanism for my disorganised mind, my first instinct in management is to control the entire process and spewing walls of text detailing what I want, how I want, why I want, etc.

Some time ago I was developing an agency brief for an important year-long retainer. It was detailed, structured, and comprehensive. I was proud of my work. It was short lived. My boss wasn't convinced. He asked:

“Actually, what's the purpose of this document?”

“Are you blind or what??”

Of course, I didn't actually say that. But it got me thinking. Was I missing something? Turns out I was. Spoon feeding tends to sacrifice long term benefits in favour of more immediate results. A team won't be able to develop the capacity to “seek the answers (or results) for themselves”. A “tough love” approach would be to press a team on outcomes or results until they feel enough pain to adjust their approach and start thinking outside the box.

Whether it's managing a team or parenting a child, tough love has to be dished out under the right circumstances and done with empathy to get the best results. While it can build resilience and independence, it can also cause resentment, which can fester into something worse, especially when dealing with kids or teenagers or gen Zs.

The key is to do it with empathy, without any hint of malice, and to always “leave the backdoor open”. Doing it to instill fear or to manipulate… only leads to the dark side.

Tough love isn't the only tool in the box. Coaching the nurturing way by giving clear / detailed instructions and explanations has its place. The best approach? Probably a combination of both depending on the situation.

Nurturing and spoonfeeding is necessary in the process of coaching. Tough love can kick in when the coaching has taken place. Seneca said it best: Love, in its essence, is spiritual fire.

And as for the agency brief, turns out I'm glad I did it they way I did.